


To Love Again

by Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Violence, Dancer Lee Minho | Lee Know, Depressed Han Jisung | Han, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Lee Minho | Lee Know is Whipped, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Protective Lee Minho | Lee Know, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28098831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean/pseuds/Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean
Summary: "Plagued by my dark memories, I run eternally alone in this endless maze, but the light isn't as far as I'd thought."__________________________________"He brought back the sunshine in my life. But, now I realize, his light was broken, distorted by ugly experiences. And so, I want to return the favor by fixing his light.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so first and foremost heller lmao um... You can find this on Wattpad @Shazzy1967 
> 
> Collaboration with @cococatty on wattpad ;)
> 
> Please don't read if you have triggers (look at the tags for specific triggers mentioned ) 
> 
> Don't be afraid to leave a comment I love interacting with y'all :) 
> 
> Also Sungie bby im sorry :'(

_ Screaming. _

_ Banging. _

_ Crying. _

_ The sound of glass shattering. _

_ Welcome to my life. _

  
  


_ Dad was drunk again. His face was all flushed, his voice extra loud. The room was trashed. Empty vodka bottles littered every surface imaginable. _

_ The floor. _

_ Tables. _

_ The couch, even. _

_ Broken glass was scattered on the floor, splashes of alcohol stained the once-white carpet. _

_ Mom was there too. Glaring at me contemptuously, as if it was all my fault. _

_ Maybe it is. _

_ It’s all my fault. _

_ It always is. _

“Han Jisung, were you even listening to anything I said?” my teacher shouted, ripping me away from my thoughts. 

Sometimes I question why I still show up to school. It’s not like I’ll ever actually need anything I learn here... in all honesty it's just an immense waste of time. 

Sadly, money doesn’t make itself and there is only so much one could do without a complete high school education. 

“Han Jisung! I’m talking to you!” my teacher stated, getting increasingly angry the longer I ignored him.

I, on the other hand, have no intention of answering him. 

After a few minutes longer of me ignoring him, he finally snapped, shouting at me to get out of his class immediately. Sighing, I stood up, grabbed my things and headed out the door. 

As I was leaving, I heard some of my classmates snicker, some even whispering. 

White, hot, rage roared in my ears, but I ignored it. Who are they to judge me? They think they know who I am, but they really have no idea. They don’t know my story.

They don’t matter. Nobody does. Not anymore.

Taking my time, I casually strolled down the halls of this god-forsaken place. It was the last period, so I decided to just head out.

Throwing open the door leading outside of this hell on earth, a blast of warm, late summer air hit me square in the face.

It felt so good compared to the stale-ish air of the school. The sun shone brightly, lighting up the school parking lot. The cars with lighter colors were blinding.

Quickly checking my phone, I realized that I had a little time to kill before my part-time job at the cafe. 

Hopping on to my beat-up old bike, I made my way downtown, deciding I’d get there a little early and try to put myself in my manager’s good graces. Countless street shops whizzed by as I pedaled to the cafe. The wind tangled itself in my hair, leaving it a frizzy mess. 

The leaves were already starting to turn gold, despite it only being September. The warm summer air had a slight autumn chill in it. I turned sharply on to a different street and a car honked at me. I gave the pissed driver a sarcastic smile and a friendly wave. He flipped me off.

Rude, much?

Soon enough, I spotted the familiar pastel blue cafe. It stood out spectacularly against the plain, old, brick buildings nearby, like a single tulip in a field of dandelions. Perched right atop the door was a welcome sign, endearingly crooked. And above that, the cafe’s name, painted in a bright, sunny yellow.

Cocoa Cup Cafe.

What an eye-catcher. Maybe that’s why the cafe is always packed with customers. Any time between 8 AM to 6 PM, the cafe was always buzzing with chatter.

I parked my bike in the narrow slip of space right next to the side of the blue building, hardly even a meter wide. Making sure I was presentable, I ran my hand through my hair, smoothing it down, then my shirt. I dusted off my jeans and checked if there was mud on my shoes. 

Satisfied with the result, I made my way into the cafe, immediately smelling the sweet aroma of coffee and pastries. The wind chimes attached to the door jingled, announcing my presence.

The guy working the register looked up, then grinned at me.

“Yo! What’s up, bro? I was getting bored without ya.”

Laughing, I replied, “Well, lucky for you, your knight in shining armor is here to save you!” I bowed dramatically, crossing my eyes and sticking out my tongue at him.

He rolled his eyes and slapped my shoulder, chuckling. “Woah there Jisung, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

I made another goofy face, then stuck out my tongue even more. 

In the back of my mind, I struggled to match a name to him. It’s been a while since I started working here, but I didn’t care much to make friends. Still don’t. All I have to do is pretend to be nice, and everyone automatically thinks I’m their bestie. 

How… very… dumb. 

I walked to the back of the cafe, leaving him behind, opening up my locker and throwing my backpack inside, still pondering the identity of my funny “friend” back at the counter. Oh right! Was his name…Eric Son? Yeah, that sounds right, I think. 

I pulled out my black apron and tied it around my waist, making sure it was secure so that it wouldn’t get in the way of work. Quickly, I checked in with the manager, letting him know that I was starting my shift a little early, and joined some of my coworkers in preparing orders. Offering them a quick smile and a greeting, I fell into the familiar rhythm of working at Cocoa Cup.


	2. Chapter 2

I wiped my sweaty hands against the apron. My heart pounded loudly inside my rib cage. My legs felt like jelly, anything that touched me would probably knock me right over.

Did I do something wrong? Am I going to get fired?

Nervously, I knocked on the door to my manager’s office.

“Hello?” I cautioned, “Someone told me that you wanted to see me?” Panicking, I waited for his response.

“Yes,” he replied calmly, his voice smooth like water, betraying nothing of my fate. “Please come in.”

Slowly, I opened up the door and padded quietly inside, knocking away a stupid impulse to tiptoe. The manager’s office was extremely neat. Everything was orderly, on shelves, in cabinets, and labeled. Not a single thing seemed out of place.

I hated it. I wanted to knock everything over, and scatter things over the floor and the desk. I wanted to tear all the paper and leave a mess all over. I wanted to scream. My heart pounded harder as I resisted the urge to do so. It all reminded me of a hospital, an asylum. An immaculate prison.

Why is everything so neat? 

Calming myself, I turned to my manager. He was short, shorter than me, with round, black glasses and a well-trimmed mustache. His hair was going gray, the only evidence that he was older than 50.

I bowed respectfully, before straightening up and asking, “Is there something you need from me?”

He appraised me severely, looking at me from head to toe before responding, “Yes. The person working the night shift has called in sick earlier today. I was wondering if you’d like to take the position. With extra pay, of course.”

I relaxed visibly, the tension leaving my tightly wound muscles. Pleasantly smiling, I responded, “I’d love to, sir. Thank you.” I bowed again

I’d take up any chance to earn more money. I needed it.

“Good,” the manager nodded approvingly, “You’ll be working until 11:00 PM. There will be one other person with you.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are dismissed.” He gestured to the door, not unkindly.

I bowed again and left, shutting the door silently behind me. Sighing in relief, I made my way back into the kitchen. I’d thought that I was in trouble.

Night shift, huh? I guess I’m not getting too much sleep tonight. At least tomorrow was Saturday, so there was no school. Ah- sorry, I meant hell on earth. 

* * * 

It was about five to six when my other coworkers left, so I was the only one here at the moment. To be honest, I don’t really mind, I prefer being by myself. 

There aren’t many customers here, like maybe one or two at the most, which is kinda weird, considering there usually are more, from what I’m told.

“Hey Jaehyun hy-“ a voice rang out, startling me. “Oh……you aren’t Jaehyun hyung…” he said, smiling awkwardly.

Confused, I stared at him. “Uh… are you working the night shift? I’m here because someone called in sick.” 

“Yeah, that’s me,” he grinned at me boldly, “I’m Minho.”

I nodded.

“Jisung,” was all I said. I then quickly put my earphones in, hoping he doesn’t try and start a conversation with me.

I walked behind the counter and sat down on a high spinny chair. Bored, I whirled myself around, hoping for someone to come in, to end the awkwardness. 

Unfortunately, as fate would have it, no one came in. 

AAANDD, to top that off, my phone just died. 

Why is the world against me? 

Dear phone, you had one job. I’m disappointed in you, tsk tsk.

PLUS, what makes it better is: I left my charger at home because I was in a rush this morning.

It wouldn’t have mattered that much if I wasn’t waiting for that supposedly “important” phone call… 

I could go ask Minhee… Mino… Min… Min… whatever his name is. But, if I do that, then I’d have to socialize, so “is it really worth it?” is the question.

I took out my earphones, putting them away. Discreetly, I glanced over to the other guy. His wispy brown hair fell over his face, creating a curtain, partly covering his features. Even so, I could tell he had a defined nose and jawline. His lips were well-shaped and pink. He had large eyes that gave him an innocent appearance, balancing out his stronger features. 

His strong, lean physique was a total eye-catcher. I guessed that he was probably a solid inch or two taller than me.

Not bad. He had looks that any guy would be jealous of, and any girl would fall for. 

Well, assuming they were straight, anyways.

Patiently, and ever so sneakily, I watched him, debating whether or not to go over. I observed as he stretched, evidently also bored. Should I ask? There might be some severe consequences if I don’t get on the phone call.

“Um… excuse me hyung?” I finally spoke up, battling away the unwillingness to socialize with him.

Surprised, he jerked his head up and looked at me, giving me a full view of his face. Woah… he looked even better than I had thought. Was he a model or an idol or something? Maybe an ulzzang…? I started to feel a little self-conscious about my slightly run-down appearance.

“Yeah? Is there something you need?” He broke into my thoughts. Even his voice sounded good… angelic, even. I envied him.

“Um- yeah… my phone died, and I need to make an important phone call, so I was wondering if I could borrow yours…” My voice was shaky and weak in comparison to his.

“Oh yeah!” He took his phone out of his pocket and handed it over to me. “Try to be as quick as possible, I’m also running a little low on battery.”

I nodded, “Thanks hyung, I’ll try my best to shorten it.” Briskly, I walked over to the opposite corner, where he couldn’t hear me. I dialed in the number and hit the call button, putting the cellphone to my ear, hearing the ringing. 

“Hello?” A husky, deep, male voice answered the call.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hi. This is Jisung. You told me to call yesterday regarding the shipment.” I tried to make my voice sound confident, but it ended up coming out funny, because I was whispering.

“Why are you whispering?” He asked, suspicious.

“Uh… sorry, there’s someone else here, and I can’t leave.” I glanced over at the other boy, who appeared to be spacing out.

“I don’t care, go into the bathroom or something. I can’t afford to have someone overhearing.” Reluctantly, I waved my arms, catching Mingi’s attention. Minhyuk? I think his name sounded similar to “mango” or something. I gestured that I had to take the phone call elsewhere, and he nodded.

Quickly, I walked into the cafe’s bathroom and locked the door behind me. I retreated into the far corner, making sure that if someone pressed their ear to the door, they wouldn’t be able to hear anything.

“Okay, he can’t hear me anymore,” I informed the man over the phone.

He breathed a sigh of disappointment. “Jisung, I thought I told you to be careful! I can’t risk being caught, and so, therefore, nor can you.” 

“Yes, sir!” With bated breath, I waited for his response. I can’t make him angry, I’ve seen others that have. And the result was not pretty. Not to mention, he’s the one paying me enough to stay alive.

“Anyways,” he continued, “The shipment will be delivered to you tomorrow night, 2:00 A.M. in the park. Wait behind the row of trees. If someone spots you, get them to go away. If the police come, notify me, and I’ll call the shipment off. Understood?” 

“Yes, sir,” 

“Also, remember to never tell anyone your name, the client’s name, my name, or what you’re carrying.”

“Yes, sir”

“Good.” He hung up.

I frowned at the phone. Three cats on the lock screen stared back at me. 

That man was hard to figure out. He appeared to be a nice guy, but I’ve seen and heard things that say otherwise. But he really does genuinely seem to care. 

I shrugged it off and walked out of the bathroom. 

Min-something looked up as I walked to him. “Thanks for letting me borrow this,” I said as I handed his phone back to him. Along with those three cats. They were pretty cute.

He smiled at me and said, “It’s no problem. Besides, it got you to talk to me,” he shrugged and put his phone back in his pocket. I smiled awkwardly and went back to my chair. For the rest of the shift it was rather quiet. Soon enough 11 came around and I could finally go back to my apartment.

I would normally rush back to my apartment, but today, I decided to slowly stroll, pulling my bike beside me. Something about the darkness of night, and the solitude, gave me comfort that I longed for deep, deep, down. 

Glancing around as I turned a corner into an alley, I could see the run down and abandoned houses. They looked as if they’ll cave in any day now and collapse. The road has a lot of potholes, random cracks, shards of glass and different types of litter on it. 

Looking up, I could see a pair of shoes hanging on the telephone line, graffiti covered garages, poles, houses, walls, trashcans, and any other surfaces that were deemed fit by the artists.

If you stayed quiet long enough, you would be able to hear the insects and animals that lurk within the night. 

Many people would consider this environment dirt, toxic, disgusting, etc. To me though, this was peaceful, comforting, beautiful even. To me, this was  _ home.  _

As I continue to walk home, a smile makes its way onto my face. Weirdly enough, I relate to this place, a place that was once beautiful, but now ruined, deserted, and forgotten about. All because people didn’t deem it worthy enough to be fixed and cared for, so now it’s left to rot. 

People who drove by would pity places like this. They would speak of how pretty and full of life it used to be, and how sad it is to see it now. Their friends may even butt in, reminiscing on good times they had here, or things they wanted to do here, but it was too late. 

They’ll act like they care about it, say they want to fix it up….help it….change it for the better even, but they’ll then turn their back on the place silently, deciding it’s not really worth the time and effort. People decide to just completely forget about it until the next time they stumble on this unfortunate place.

In all honesty, I feel as if I really do relate to here, as if we have an unspoken bond or connection, like we have an agreement that people aren’t really worth our time and energy. That if we fall apart, we’d fall apart together.

Sighing, I glanced up past the steps and saw the front door of the, almost falling apart, building that I live in. It’s kind of funny if you think about it. 

Everything around me seemed to be as broken and used as me. Coincidence or fate, take your pick. 

Sighing again, I pulled my bike up the steps and into the building. I was debating whether or not I should just take the elevator up to the seventh floor, where my room happened to be, but decided against it, worried that I’ll get stuck in there. So, I opted for the stairs. 

I was panting heavily by the time I finally made it up there. The bike was a lot heavier than it looked. I guess when you’re both mentally and physically tired, everything seems heavy though.

Finally unlocking my door, I placed my bike beside my closet, the same place I alway do. I closed and locked the squeaky door, and was about to cook myself a quick meal, since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast yesterday, but decided against it deeming it unimportant. 

As I walked to my bedroom, the tiles creaked under my weight, the sound warning me that it may cave in any minute. Huffing a breath of annoyance, I walk over to the full-length mirror I have hanging on the door. 

Looking at my appearance, I took note of how much thinner I’m starting to look, not that it bothered me much. Shaking my head, I reached into my closet and pulled a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie out. Walking into the bathroom, I took a shower, shivering slightly as the cold water hit my skin. The heat didn’t work, nor did the hot water. 

I had to do extra to try and keep warm. Finally getting dressed and exiting the bathroom, I made my way to my ‘bed’, which, in all reality, was a boxspring with a thin pillow and blanket on it. Plugging up my phone, I glanced at the clock on my bedside table. 

**_2:35am_ ** , it read in bold red lights. 

Sighing for the last time tonight, I got as comfortable as I could, and fell asleep, making my way to the land of nightmares and memories that I couldn't escape from, no matter how hard I tried. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading stay tuned for the next chapter :) 
> 
> Also comment and kudos if you want lmao any questions just ask I'll answer!! 
> 
> Stay safe and be careful!!!
> 
> 💖💖


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